Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
