So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
