my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
