I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
