your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
