don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
