Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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