remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize