textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
