Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
