Swine flu. Run for my life!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
