oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
