I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
