My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
