I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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