The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
