there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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