I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
