i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
