FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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