I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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