I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
