He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
