Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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