We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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