The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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