1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
