i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
