Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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