I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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