I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
