it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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