Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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