if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am one with the molecules
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
