I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
