Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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