At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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