Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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