She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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