so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
