I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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