i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
