so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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