Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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