if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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