Need sex. Gaining weight.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
