well I can't set my house on fire every night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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