I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
