apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
