i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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