if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
