So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
