4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
