Old men and throwing up are my life now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
pray to the hookup gods
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
