I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
