Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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