if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
