I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
