We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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