Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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